Mike Minarchan, Las Vegas, Nevada

On the morning of March 10, 2005 my 14 year old nephew Aaron was hospitalized with (what we were told) a Petit Mal Siezure. I recieved the phone call from his Dad at 8:20am, telling me Aaron was in the hospital after having some kind of siezure on the athletic field. I lived 25 minutes away from the hospital, and I couldn't get there fast enough. Aaron's Dad (Ron) and I arrived at the exact same time, however believing Aaron was going to be alright, I told Ron to go in and see his Wife & Son and I would wait in the ER waiting room. I was greeted by every member of the school's administrative staff, everyone from the Principal to one of his counselors. I asked what happened, and his PE teacher spoke up with an explanation. We went outside to smoke a cigarette, and while explaining his account, he smoked 3 cigarettes to my one. Ron came out to get me, and I intorduced him to Aaron's PE teacher. We were both told by this teacher he had performed CPR on Aaron, and he was in a semi conscious state.

When I saw Aaron in the ER he was not awake or conscious, and the nurses said he wasn't upon arrival. He was transferred to another hospital with a Pediatric ICU unit, which is where we found out the horrible truth. Aaron did not have any kind of siezure, he had suffered a Full Cardiac Arrest, he was in a Coma, on Life Support, and being listed in Grave Condition. Four of the worst days of my life had passed seeing my

On Sunday March 13, the 5th doctor examined Aaron and we were given more bad news. We were told his liver & kidneys were starting to fail, and a decision needed to be made quickly. Aaron was removed from Life Support at 5:05pm, and I was with him when he left us at 9:45 that night. It was not until his Funeral four days later that some of his classmates told us the truth about what really happened. Aaron's PE teacher thought he was joking around, and did NOTHING to save him. The school nurse admitted she had to use her AED unit FOUR times just to get him back. And he was never awake.

Our family was so caught up in the loss of Aaron, we never took into account his girlfriend Christi needed us. I had known Christi McMahan for almost 8 years, and her Father was my best friend until 2002 when he died of Lung Cancer. Christi lived 380 miles away in Sparks NV, and had spoken to Aaron the night before this happened to him. Aaron had planned to go up to Sparks for her birthday, and spend part of their Spring Break together. After Aaron's Funeral Christi had a nervous breakdown, and ended her own life on March 23, 2005. Two days after her 17th birthday. The last entry she made in her diary and in her goodbye note was, "I hope God will forgive me for what I am about to do, but I don't want Aaron to be lonely in Heaven"

Three years and 5 months have passed, and I still see the horrible image of my Nephew dying while I held his hand. I have a degree in Clinical Child Psychology, and my field of specialty was youth suicide intervention. I still feel terribly guilty that I was so depressed by the death of my Nephew, that I wasn't there when Chrisi needed me the most. Her younger Brother and Sister have told me numerous times I probably couldn't have saved her, but being a trained professional I didn't even try. I have never had so much hatred toward anything, as I have for Aaron's PE teacher. He could have been a hero, and none of this would have happened. I actually thought about killing him at one point, but that wouldn't bring my Nephew or Christi back. After over two years I got him fired from the Clark County School District, and he lost his pension and teaching credentials, but that doesn't satisfy me anymore.

There are still times I feel so depressed and guilty, it is almost overwhelming. I am hoping that interacting with others who have gone through the same or similar, will somehow help me get passed some of my demons.  

Email: maniacmike01@embarqmail.com
Code 061
Posted 7 August 2008



Stacy

My son Sam died by suicide September 6, 2011 . He was 17 1/2 he was on the wrestling team played football last year and had joined an MMA team.  He seemed to be very focused. He had a big fight coming up, wrestling training had just started. He went out two days before and bought a camel back something he had been wanting,  was just given a nice stereo for his truck. He was my son and my friend. We spent a lot of time together just talking and hanging out.

He was dyslexic and struggled with his spelling and reading. Even though he had an IEP he didn't get a lot of support from teachers at school who couldn't understand why such a bright young man could not spell or read well.

I knew he was very frustrated with school and not being able to express himself like everyone else but I thought if we could get him through high school he would see how different people are.

I got a text from him telling me how dumb he was and he would never get a good job or amount to anything. I'm done and I love you. I sent a text back telling him I love him too. He needed to come down to the office and I would help him with his school work. He sent me one more text " I love you, good buy, I'm done" I knew he was in trouble. I headed home. I called my daughter and told her Sam was scaring me she needed to call hem. He would often call and talk to her if he needed someone to talk to and didn't think he could talk to me. She called over and over again and couldn't get through I got to the house and she called me and said I think he is ok his phone is ringing. I went into the house calling his name, no answer. I went down to his room pounded on the door scared of what I would find when I opened the door. When I opened the door I could only see his leggs. I looked behind the door his face was gone. He had used his hunting rifle and shot himself in the head.

I ran outside screaming for help and to call 911. I couldn't make my fingers work my phone. I called my daughter and let her know Sam was dead. Time just stopped for me people were coming and talking to me I couldn't hear what they were saying I couldn't understand what they were saying.

My son was always so responsible. I let him keep his hunting rifle in his room but didn't allow him to have any shells. He was not on drugs or alcohol.

I have three other kids but I am terrified of what they might do. When I look around at young families I can't help but think wait until they get to be teenagers this could be you. I feel like my life is over, my life will never be the same. It has brought me and my other kids closer but has torn me an my extended family apart. I wake up crying and I cry every night it is a struggle to get out of bed and go to work. I have lost all my self confidence and joy for life. The kids and I are all in counseling. This is my life now my time and money is spent going to counseling trying to find a way to cope with the loss of my beautiful son and to try and find some kind of peace.

He hurt the people who loved and cared about him most. The people who supported him and would have been there for him forever.

It is my hope that young people will think about that before they decide to make a decision that is permeant when  the situation they are dealing with right now is temporary.

Code 061
Posted 21 November 2011

Jill

Hi.  My name is Jill and I am 27.  My youngest brother, Mark, committed suicide Feb, 26th 2008 by shooting himself.  He was 23.  I have 2 other brothers (one younger and one older), and an older sister- And then there is my mom, dad, and step-dad…. All hurting.

Mark was at college when he took his life.  It was early in the morning, and he had just spoken to my mom- sounding happy- telling her that he was about to go to school. He shot himself not even an hour later.  The first time I saw him lying there, so still in that casket- My world started spinning, and quickly went black.

It is just now sinking in, and it still does not seem real.  The overwhelming heavy weight of pain and longing is still haunting me.  He was just so precious- we were so close- and I miss him terribly. I find myself going crazy at times, lashing out on my wonderful and loving boyfriend- and I can’t seem to get anything done anymore.  I cry so hard, it seems that there is a raging storm in my soul that will never quiet, or stop from flooding my eyes. This happens every night.

I've started reading books recommended to me by family and friends….etc...These seem to help, but cannot change the natural human…sister…reaction to losing your little brother.  They do, however, give me a clearer understanding and acceptance of life, purpose, and the afterlife we all will know.

Through this, I am also realizing how amazing it is, how much we can go through, as survivors- even though we “knew” we could not survive.  We “knew” that we would never make it through the day. I guess that is why God gave us individual strength within ourselves- to share and come together as a greater whole.  The circle of life….A circle of friends, with broken hearts.  This heart broken from missing Mark.  I know I cannot get through this on my own….and would love to talk with others.  THANK YOU, Jan, for this site.  *hugs* to all of you…

Email: Jillmceachern22@yahoo.com
Code 060
Posted 22 May 2008


Mary, Florida, US

My brother, Doug, shot himself April 12, 1987, after the break-up with a girlfriend. It's been 21 years, and I finally feel strong enough to help others who are trying to get through the suicide of a loved one.

In the early days, I remember wanting 'answers' more than anything, and would have loved to have someone to talk to..........of course, the Internet didn't exist then! This is a great site and an important resource for grief-stricken family members.

I'd be happy to talk with anyone dealing with a suicide.........especially siblings.

Code 059
Posted 16 April 2008


Mo, Huyton, Liverpool, UK

My son Jason was supposed to have hung himself in Spain on the 21 october 2004. He left behind 3 daughters and 1 son who he loved very much. He also had 1 sister and 2 brothers who miss him so very much. I would like to get in touch with others in a similar situation.

Code 058
Posted 16 April 2008


Deanna, Eden, NC

My name is Deanna Campbell from Eden, NC. My son was 19 when he took his own life by hanging himself in his bedroom closet. He left me a 1 yr old grandson. I love my grandson very much but I can't seem to move on. I stay in such pain and I don't know how to live without my son. He was my life; it was just him and I as his father died when he was 3. I built my life around my son and now that he is gone I don't know who I am. I need help, I don't know how long I can live with this pain, how long I can keep acting like everything is okay. I have no one and am in desperate need of a friend that understands.

Code 057
Posted 1 April 2008


Brenda, Centralia, Missouri, US

A long story as most are. On Jan.29th 2008 my son shot himself in the head doing Russian roulette.  Because of the  circumstances I have a really hard time saying it was suicide.  As a very newly bereaved mother I don't know where to turn.  I do have close relatives and friends in the same situation, but sometimes I just want to reach out to strangers. I as really looking for someone to meet close to where I live, but at this point I am reaching out where ever I can.

Code 056
Posted 4 March 2008


Diana, US

It has been 179 days since the Brooklyn Park Police called, while on a business trip in Vegas, to tell me that my son was dead.  A single bullet to the temple and my baby boy was gone.  From that moment, all semblance to the life I had known, ceases to exist.
It was as though a serrated knife had been impaled into my heart, imprisoning me into a state known as "Dead Man Walking."

Someone recently explained my grief as, "The amount of pain this grief has brought you, is equal to the amount of love your heart holds for your son." Wow, no wonder it is so disabling.

I am thankful for a site like this, as I am alone in my struggle for sanity and some kind of peace.  Divorced and my only daughter living across the country, I truly do not know where to turn. The only thing I know for certain is that I can no longer feel the powerful embrace of his big hugs, nor his gentle kisses, nor will I ever hear his sweet, last words to me, "I love you Mommy"  for my baby boy is gone.

Jeremiah Mark,  1- August, 1978 - 1- August 2007  On his birthday.

Code 055
Posted 4 February 2008


Kristi, Northern Minnesota, USA

Updated message:

The one year anniversary is upon us and the pain is worse than last year, for last year we were in shock and numb.  There were people around constantly.  This year, the pain is piercing, gut wrenching, impossible.  And where is everyone???  We feel very alone.  Missing David is all that I can do, crying is all that I can do.  It is so hard.  The holiday season will forever by the anniversary of our sweet David leaving us.  The holiday season will never again bring to me the joy that it did throughout my entire life.  I used to LOVE Christmas and spent so much energy on the celebration of it.  No more, never again. But, where is it written that Jesus was born in December???? Perhaps I will start doing my own Christmas in June !  Jesus will be okay with it, of that I am sure.  He doesn't care when we celebrate his birth, just that we do.  But, I cannot celebrate his birth and grieve my son's death at the same time.  Cannot be done.

Original message:

Our beautiful 18-year-old son David took his own life on Dec 12, 2007.  He shot himself; we do not know why and we are lost.  This is such a nightmare, one that we cannot wake from.  I cannot imagine getting through this either physically or mentally.  When he shot himself, he also shot us ~ his dad, his 21-year-old brother, myself along with all who loved him.  I am so sad, so angry and so physically ill.  I cannot go back to work, as I cannot concentrate to do my job and have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome.  I want to be able to function again, to live again, but I do not see how.  My husband is having such a hard time, as he found our son, lying dead in the snow, frozen after having shot himself.  That is an image he cannot erase from his mind.  I am so glad, though that I found this site.  I need to talk with other parents who have been or are going through this: 
Email:  changintimes@hotmail.com

Code 054
Posted 4 February 2008


Nora, Berkshire, UK

My son Peter was 30 years old when he ended his life.  On the 7th September 2007 at 9.15pm my beautiful and precious child threw himself in front of an express train.  Depression had blighted his life for some years and robbed him of his self-esteem and self-worth. Frustration with his inability to cope with life caused him to turn on himself.  Peter was a beautiful person with a beautiful heart.  He would always try to make others feel comfortable and at ease in his company.  He had a fantastic sense of humour and entertained all he met. He was so generous and would give freely to others if he saw a need.   The family pet – a Labrador/Ridgeback Cross dog called Leo who had been a member of the family for 12 and a half years  – had a great bond with Peter and seemed to sense his despair.  The vet had to put Leo to sleep within 15 hours of Peter’s death.

I never knew something could hurt as bad as this!  It’s as if someone has cut my limbs off and put me on a different world!  My baby is gone from me and miss him so much. 

Code 053
Posted 7 November 2007


Ty, Ohio, US

Hi my name is Ty and I live in the USA. On June 6th, 2007, I went to wake my 17 year old son Brandon up for school. I found him hanging by a rope with a t-shirt around his neck. I have not been the same since. I started grief counselling right away and I guess it works because I'm not with Brandon right now. His 15 year old sister is taking it so hard that I'm afraid for her to do the same thing. I'm driving myself crazy with this so I got online and found this site. I even became online friends with a woman from the UK with a very similar story. We chat all the time and that seems to help a lot. It’s been 3 months and 9 days and the investigators still have not determined the cause of death as a suicide, or an accidental death due to a game called the choking game or hanging game kids are playing. We had 500+ of his friends and family at the showings. He was loved by so many that everyone thinks it was the hanging game and he played it by himself and never woke up. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SITE, I KNOW YOU HAVE HEARD THIS BEFORE BUT (I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL) Rip: to everyone who left before his time was up. I would like to chat to other parents in a similar situation.

Email: TyLynn@neo.rr.com
Code 052
Posted 20 September 2007


Heather, Columbus, Georgia, US

Hi, My name is Heather and I lost my brother to suicide on February 21, 2007.  He was 39 years old and we were very close.  He left a 6 year old son behind.  I am heart broken and I miss him so very much.  I have been suffering from panic attacks and felt very depressed.  I have never been depressed before.  He was being treated for depression.  However, we find out after he died that he had taken himself off his medication.  We found this out from his psychiatrist.  We had him hospitalized last April and then he went to rehab at Ridgeview Institute in Atlanta for two months after we found out that he had been abusing a prescription drug. (oxycontin) We thought that he had the tools now to deal with his addiciton and problems and was doing much better.  (after Ridgeview)  The suicide was a complete shock.  I beat myself up wondering why I did not see this coming and why someone could not stop it.  I feel so lost and abandoned.  I would love to talk with anyone who is interested in talking with me.

Email:  Lippheatherchris@aol.com
Code 051
Posted 18 June 2007



Megan, US

I recently lost my husband Aaron age 39 on 2/23/07 to suicide.  He leaves behind a 7 and 5 year old daughter.  I would like to talk with other parents who are in the same situation.

Code 050
Posted 26 April 2007


Vicki, Farmington, New Mexico, US

I am very thankful for your web site. My only son hung himself on March 12, 2006. I miss him so very much that often I wish I could join him.

Code 049
Posted 26 March 2007


Sabrina, Texas, US

I am Sabrina. I live in Texas. My daughter hung herself, in our living room, oct.25, 2003. I am still having a hard time. I feel I am not doing enough to honor her. She was so full of life, I don’t understand. Her father also hung himself Sept 9, 2004. We were married 15 years. We had been divorced 2 years when he died. I want to understand why all this had to happen. I am a Christian. I still teach Sunday school, and go to church. However, I am having trouble growing as a Christian, and have not been as faithful as I used to be. I feel like people don’t care about what I am going through. I know I am blessed to have another daughter and a son. But I still miss Erica so much at times, I don’t think I can make it another day. I have remarried and have a wonderful husband. He is a very grounded Christian. And has adopted my daughter. But the pain of what Johnny did to himself is sometimes very hard to handle also. Even though I love my husband very much, I miss the short years I had with Johnny and Erica. I am very worried about my 2 other children. Adam is 19 and in college. Stormie is 13 and very much like Erica. Thank you for your time,

Code 048
Posted 20 March 2007                                  


Jennifer

My name is Jennifer and I lost my brother, Todd, to depression 1/31/07.  Todd was 36; an extremely successful father, husband, brother, and son. He was a CPA, MBA, with a beautiful home and no debt. He attended the best universities on a full ride.  He never drank or did drugs.  He was the soccer coach and cub scout leader, and was even voted most likely to succeed in high school. Logically, you would look at his life and believe it was charmed. However, Todd had an undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. I don't believe he "committed" anything, I rather believe depression happened to him. He didn't know what was wrong, and really tried the last 8 weeks to get help. I have a lot of anger and the mental health professionals, we simply trusted them.  I am just so overwhelmed in grief. I feel like I should have known more about the disease. If anyone can relate, I would welcome the chance to talk with you. I just don't know how to process this for a lifetime - the pain is intense.

Code 047
Posted 16 March 2007


Wendy, Nottingham, UK

Hi, My name is Wendy. I lost my 16-year-old son on the 17th November 2006. My husband and I returned home to find he had hung himself on the stair banister. He seemed so happy and full of life so we can’t stop wondering why as he didn’t leave us a note. The whole family find it hard to cope and we would like to talk to anyone who is going through this sort of grief. We can’t come to terms with this, so any help would be great.

Email:  wendyrichmond@hotmail.com
Code 046
Posted 9 March 2007


Ida, Oshawa, Ontario, Canada

My only son, Gary, was 36 years old when he took his life with a single gunshot to his heart. He had gone through a series of heartbreaking events and just couldn't handle life any more.  He was so loved by so many that there was an hour and half line up at the funeral home.  His casket had many momentoes that his friends had left with in the casket with him.  A little 5 year old girl put a bag of chips beside him in his casket because Gary used to bring her something when he came to visit her parents.  He never knew he had so many friends.  In one suicide note he had left, he asked that some people be notified of his death because he didn't think anyone would show up at his funeral.  My pain is overwhelming.  It is indescribable.  I guess people do go on.

Code 045
Posted 28 February 2007


Kimberly

Hi, my name is Kimberly Harper. I lost my precious daughter Danielle to suicide March 31st 2006 she was only 22 yrs old and was pregnant with my first and only grandchild, a boy to be named Braiden. The loss I feel is so hurtful and painful, I just don’t know how to feel anymore. It has been almost a year and still no relief from the horrible pain I suffer, along with my family. She shot herself in a church parking lot fighting with her husband. I blame him so much for what she did. I know I shouldn’t, but I still do. He wanted  a divorce from her and she left a note stating that if she couldn’t live with him, she didnt want to live any longer. If they would have made it there five minutes sooner they could have saved my grandchild, but that never happened, so I lost two dearly beloved people at one time. I need help through this trying time in my life. I still have a 20-year-old son to live for and I need strength to do it. I just wanted to write to you all and get some feedback. Hopefully the pain I feel will ease in time but for now I must keep going.

Code 044
Posted 28 February 2007


Pam, Reedsburg, Wisconsin, US

I lost my son, Arnie 12-27-80/12-31-06, on 12-31-06. He committed suicide by driving his car in to a wall at a very high speed. He did not leave a note. He was not a drinker or drug user but was going through a divorce. He was finally starting to get his life together when she returned home only to leave again. I believe the pain for him was too overwhelming. I have horrible guilt because I was angry with him for trying to get back together with someone who was so mean to him and only thought of herself. I told him days before that it would take time to accept her back but I would in time if he could just give me a little time. He took his life on New Year's Eve with no note no goodbye. He had just turned 26 on Dec. 27. I miss my son and would just like to hear from others how they deal with the pain.

Code 043
Posted 1 February 2007


Pat,  Lancaster Co. PA

My son Joe took his life on Thanksgiving Day, Nov. 23, 2006.  He was  22-years old.  As with all other parents the never ending question of WHY remains. Joe struggled with drug addiction for eight years.  He had  been in and out of rehab centers seven times.  He went from one drug to the next, each one being worse than the one prior.  He eventually ended up  shooting heroin into his veins.  He hated everything about drugs, but was  powerless over them.  He had told me that ending his life was better than  living the one he had.  His father and I never thought he would  do that, however, because we were extremely close and he knew that we  would do anything we could to help him.  When we
received the phone  call that evening, we were devastated, and still are.  Joe was well loved  by us and also his brother and two sisters, who are also suffering through this  difficult time.

We welcome any advice or words of encouragement from anyone who has also
suffered a similar situation.

Code 042
Posted 16 January 2007


Melissa

My nephew was only 22 when he took his own life on 12 December 2006, 7 days after his birthday. He was on crack and hung himself outside on the tree that he and my brother planted together when he was little. He told his mom if she didn’t let him in the house he was going to hang himself, but he had said it before so she thought he was crying wolf again. He came back the second time and told her to look out the window and she would see him. She looked out and he did it. She blames herself for not letting him in. She was scared to let him in because she knew he was high. They tried getting help for him. They tried everything. Please help my family. He was their life and the only child.

Code 041
Posted 21 December 2006


Amy, Indianapolis, US

In April 2006 I lost my 28 year old brother in law David to suicide and it has torn apart my family. He had 2 children ages 7 and 9 who are having a hard time with this. I was very close to him and my fiance was bestfriends with him. We know why he did it and it still hurts so bad and I don't know how to go on. He had marital problems and his wife had been cheating on him so they were on and off again for awhile. He had slit his wrist a couple of times when she left him. They got back together and then he was working and fell thru a roof crushing the bones in his right arm and had to have multiple surgeries and therapy. He also was on alot of pain medication for all the pain he was in and that contributed to his state of mind when he shot himself in the cheek.  His wife was leaving him again and he felt he just couldn't take it anymore. He was still alive after it happened but had very little brain activity and was taken off life support a day later.He didn't leave a suicide note so we still do have questions to whether he really meant to do it or not. It's so hard to believe that someone so full of life would do this. We all blame ourselves maybe we could've done more-someone should've took the gun.....what if? Now my sister ran off with that guy and move 12 hours away so I don't talk to her and I never get to see my precious niece and nephew.  Email:  amymcg13@yahoo.com

Code 040
Posted 10 December 2006


DeAnna, Avon Pk, Florida, US

I lost my son Kyle, 16 on Nov 7.2006. He hung himself in our garage.  He seemed so full of life and had made plans for his future.  We are all left  with WHY!  I am looking to contact other parents with similar situation, as a part of greiving and support.

Code 039
Posted 1 December 2006


Liz, UK

My name is Liz Taylor. My 17-year-old daughter, Carina Stephenson committed suicide on 18th May 2005. She had been in communication with people on the Pro Suicide Chat rooms. There were no signs of depression before her death the shock of what happened was devastating, not only to friends and family but the whole close knit village, most of whom knew Carina and our family. Nothing about her death made any sense. I spent months reading through Carina’s emails, conversation histories and retracing the sites she'd visited on the net. She'd made a pact with three other girls; that if one of them committed suicide then the others would follow. Thank goodness they didn’t!  Carina's death is only the tip of the ice berg. There were 85 people she was in contact with, maybe more I don’t know about yet. I'm looking for anyone who suspects that their loved ones were on the internet before their death.

Jan has very kindly put a petition link to a campaign I’m running to try to ban these sites. The last thing a vulnerable depressed person needs is someone on a pro suicide site presenting suicide as their only option and then going into graphic details on how to achieve this. In order to try to give my son a 'normal' life I have to mentally block myself from thinking about it. When I allow myself to, I get what feels like a massive electrical shock zip through my body and I can’t bear the pain. Has anyone any idea how long it will be before I get over the 'shock' and be able to grieve.

Code 038
Posted 31 October 2006


Michelle, Los Lunas, New Mexico

On September 23, 2006 I lost my precious, loving, giving daughter to a single gun shot wound.  She was 14 years old.  I am having problems with the question "why"?  I miss her so much and knowing that I will never have the opportunity to watch her grow through life makes me very sad. I don't understand and I am having a very hard time getting through each day.  It seems like every day gets harder and harder.  I know I have to be strong for my two younger kids who need me, but its very hard.  I would love to talk with anyone who is going through this.  I feel like I am on a long road to hell.

Code 037


Pat, Newbury, UK

My husband and I live in Newbury in Berkshire. Our son Michael hung himself in August 2004. He had been very depressed since the beginning of 2004 after he found his partner in bed with his best friend. She left him and took their daughter to live with the friend, so he lost three of the most precious people in his life. Michael was 29. He was a very kind sensitive person who was loved by a lot of people.

Code 036


Jamie, US

My Husband and I buried our firstborn, Chris, two years ago, when he took his life Oct. 1, 2004.  He was 13.  Chris was a sensitive, intelligent child raised in a loving home, so when we try to sort out the questions raised by this senseless act, it brings nothing but despair--One day, long after the
funeral, long after the well-wishers had gone, I found myself asking, over and over again, WHY??  At some point, as if he were standing there himself, I heard him say, "I didn't mean to hurt you, Mom". Well, of course that really didn't bring much comfort, but as time went by, I feel like he told me many times "THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU"  so gradually, I have come to feel that we have done our best to raise him well, and my best gift to him would be to let him go.  We firmly believe in a spirit world and know that letting him go does not mean "gone", and even though we miss him ever so deeply, we can all continue to move forward again.  We, along with our daughters, ages 13 and 7, have found a great deal of support just by sharing with others who want to listen.  Sometimes that comes in the form of friends, some family members, counselors and support groups.  Reaching out of my comfort zone has been the hardest,  but I am grateful that we have these "networks", because it is so easy to feel alone .  I have lost contact with old friends and many of my family because they "just don't understand" so we must continue forward, finding new friends, trying not to look back, trying to improve ourselves daily.

Code 035


Mary, Valley Center, California, US

On September 4th, 2006 just a few days ago, I lost my son to suicide.  He shot himself while I was out with family friends.  When I returned home..the note on his door said he was going to take a long nap.  I panicked..his door was locked.  I frantically began to bang on the door and when I got it open he was nowhere to be found.  The family gun was gone and so was he.  It was dark and we live close to the mountains so I knew he had gone off into them but I didn't know where he was, if he was bleeding to death or already dead.  I screamed and cried all night hoping he would come home.  As the hours passed I dreaded the worst.  At 5AM the next morning I called out the search and rescue team..as they wouldn't come in the dark. They found him behind my home..in a small canyon, with a bullet wound to the head.  I cannot eat, sleep or function.  No one seems to understand the all encompassing pain, darkness and emptiness that I feel inside.  I would love to talk with or meet someone in my area who has recently suffered this pain.  I need help believing that I have a reason to live. I will talk with anyone who needs to share their tragedy, maybe we can help each other.

Email: IBALIBRA@aol.com

Code 034


Tana

I the grandmother of Michael Ryan Dautriel, who left this world on September 4, 2004, by means of suicide, by hanging.  I have no one who can relate or be empathic to what I am feeling.  This tragedy has changed each person in our family and the dynamics of our family. I am still in shock, going throught the motions of living but with no joy or real interest in life. I do need a place that I can connect with others, like myself, who are trying to deal with this kind of loss and still find the reasons and purposes in each day to go on.  I am also raising two grandsons who are nine and ten and they deserve and require my full involvement, but it is hard to grieve and be there for your
family to the extent that is needed.

Code 033
Posted 3 September 2006


Jane, Cobb County, GA

I'm trying to find help (group support) for my sister who lost her son to suicide. She is alone and can not afford medical counseling. Does anyone know of support groups in Cobb County, GA?

Code 032
Posted 31 August 2006


Dottie

My beautiful, brilliant, tender-hearted 20-year-old son was being treated for a paranoid schizophrenic disorder and wanted to be normal, healthy and accepted again. He was on several medications which may have contributed to his sudden impulsive behavior.  I found him hanging in our garage when I returned from an errand on Sunday, July 16.  I would like to communicate with others who have endured this heart break. My condolences to all of you on your immeasurable loss.

Code 031
Posted 10 August 2006


Kaylene

Sept 9 2005 my stepdad hung himself. I can't take the guilt anymore & I am always mad at him. Why did he do it while I was home? He tried once while I was home & I caught him. So then he tried again & did it. I need some one to talk to who can understand.

Code 030
Posted 7 August 2006


Danielle

I lost my Dad just this July 30th 2006 to suicide. I am so lost and need someone to talk to that knows about this kind of pain. He died in his garage from exposure of gas and carbon monoxide. My heart is broken into a million pieces if any one can help please email me.

Code 029
Posted 5 August 2006


Merry, Mcdonough, GA, US

I lost my 27 year old son on June 28, 2006.  He hung himself.  To my knowledge there was no suicide note.  We have yet to clean out his apartment and may find one when we do.  He was suffering from schizo-affective disorder and was not on his meds.  I know that he had been having major psychotic episodes and I feel that was what caused him to take his life.  I would like to communicate with anyone who has had a similar situation.

Code 028
Posted 7 July 2006


Charlotte, Memphis, US

I lost my 29 year old daughter, Cynthia, 10 months ago, by her suicide with massive amount of her medication & alcohol.  She had a chronic disability, rheumatoid arthritis, survived multiple rapes, and lived in rage & anger...yet was really a wounded, precious soul.  I would love to hear from anyone who is surviving a suicide, and trying to find meaning in
life for themself. I will answer.

Code 027
Posted 7 July 2006


Sandra, UK

I lost my precious son Bryan aged 28 on Monday 22 May 2006. He hung himself. This has been made worse by the fact that I discovered his body and keep having flashbacks. I would be grateful for contact with anyone who has experienced anything similar.

Code 026
Posted 23 June 2006


Kelly, California, US

On June 6, 2006 my 19 year old son Ryan hung himself in our garage. My 17 year old daughter was the one that found him. He left a note which I have not been able to bring myself to read. Those that read the note said he told how much he loved me and didn't want to hurt me, and that he had felt like ending his life for as long as he could remember. I never expected this... I guess no one ever does. He was my best friend and I am left wondering why he couldn't talk to me. I would appreciate email from parents who are dealing with the same.

Code 025
Posted 20 June 2006


Amanda, East Sussex, UK

Our 11-year-old niece has just been found dead. She had hung her self in her bathroom.
The police are investigating. Please could you tell me have you ever heard of a child this age taking her own life? We are all heart sick.

Code 024
Posted 16 June 2006


Bonnie, Ind, US

I lost my son to suicide by hanging himself on April 17,2006. he was 38 years old, a fantastic son, husband,brother and father of two boys and a girl,plus had custody of two children all who adored him.He was always fun loving and spent his free time with his family 4 wheeling and dirt bikes and just having fun with them. He had the perfect job, nice house, nice cars. He never left a note and was playing football with the kids just before this happened. I have lots of questions and no answers. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to get thru the next minute. Anyone that can help will be greatly appreciated. Thank You. Bonnie.

Code 023
Posted 27 May 2006


Leslie, South Dakota, US

I lost my brother William "Misun" Crow Eagle II to suicide on May 9, 2005. He was 21 yrs old and his birthday would have been in six days. I'm two and half yrs older than William. It's been a year since he took his own life. I miss him everyday. Sometimes it's hard without my brother. He was my only sibling. I'm hopfully someone out there could help me get through or how they got through with their siblings suicide or death. Thank you for listening and email for any advice for me at lesliesigala@hotmail.com

Thank you, Leslie.

Code 022
Posted 8 May 2006
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